ÜberJoy

The Ugly Truth

I often compare myself to other moms. I have an image in my head of what the ideal mother and wife should look like. I was giving this some thought, what I came up with is this. When I think of all the moms I know, I often think of a mixture of all my friends that are moms and have this super woman image in my mind. With that said, often I feel I come up short and with my priorities out of whack.
I love my boys and I love being around them. I love nurturing them, caring for their needs and hurts. However, I struggle with just sitting and “playing” with Marschall, and sometimes think “Garrett, please just play on the floor for a little while longer until I can finish …” I get frustrated with myself because I think my first wants should be just sitting and enjoying my children. 8 out of 10 times it’s not the case.
I dread the thought of having to scrapbook, even if it is centered on beautiful pictures of my babies. I’m just not a crafty person. I think the hardest thing about being a mom is feeding my children before myself. People that know me know how much I love my meals! I even think hum… when is the next time Pete and I can just go out by ourselves? One would think, well maybe you should work more and then you would appreciate your children. I don’t think that is the answer. Because when I worked, I compared myself to co-workers, other girls, wives etc. I complained about my job and my boss. I wished had a different job or worked in a different department.
The comparisons never stop, life is life, and jealousy invades or worse yet, I think pride invades. I try and make myself feel better and think well at least I do this or that better than “she” does. Awful isn’t it!
I do think I have been given strengths I can excel in and obvious weaknesses I should work on. My fear is that frustrations will overtake the joy in just being with my children. I really have to make an effort to stop what I am doing and sit and throw the ball with Marschall. Sounds easy, but for me it’s not. I do see how fulfilling it can be when I do stop and see the appreciation on his face.
I am trying to look at it as this, frustrations are everywhere, I will screw up – make wrong decisions. It’s hard to sacrifice. I never knew what true sacrifice was until I had kids. Before kids, I shopped when I wanted, napped when I wanted. I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. I still feel that tug. I am just glad I’m aware and that the desire is there in just “being” with my children and further more have the opportunity day after day to try and just stop. With that said though, I think times are all the more sweet when Marschall and I have special moments of just playing. He and Pete play all the time and that’s good. But I desire for my boys to remember that their mom played too and better yet had fun doing it!